Ways To Get Umbridge Out of Hogwarts
by Noodle the Albino Python
Summary: When Umbridge gets hold a piece paper with different suggestions to get her out of Hogwarts she reads out in the Great Hall. Crackfic


Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

It was a sunny morning at Hogwarts and the students were enjoying their breakfast until it interrupted by Umbridge. Her shrill voice was enough to put anyone off their food.

"Last night I was handed a piece of paper by Filch titled, Ways to get Umbridge out of Hogwarts," Umbridge hissed, gone was the fake smile and the sickly girly voice. In its place was nothing, but raw anger. "I am going to read this out loud to you and those who responsible for the suggestions will confess to it. Because none of you are leaving until those who are responsible have confessed!"

Professor Snape grumbled something about being stuck there forever.

"Lets begin, shall we," Umbridge said."One: Plant stolen goods in her office and contact Aurors, laugh as they arrest her". Umbridge looked around and saw faces of fake innocence, students trying and failing to stifle their sniggers.

"Two: Rob the Malfoys vault, use the money to pay Snape to brew a poisonous potion" Umbridge eyes grew colder as she read out "Poisonous potion" again.

"Well that plan went out the window the moment Snape refused to do it" Hermione said, who suddenly had hundreds of pairs of eyes staring at her.

"Would number two happen to be yours Miss Granger?"

"No, Mine are eight and twelve. Which I was all for doing, but no people were like that's illegal and disturbing" Hermione told Umbridge proudly, as Harry and Ron shook their heads.

They had been there at the times of Hermione's suggestion and knew that her proudly confessing to her suggestions was going to end badly for her.

"Well I can't wait to get to eight and then twelve to read out your suggestions, Miss Granger" Umbridge said with a twisted smirk aimed at Hermione who shrugged her shoulders. "Three: Pour water over her and hopefully she melts if not move straight on to number four. Four: Get Malfoy to tell his aunt that Umbridge fancy You-Know-Who, let Bellatrix into Hogwarts and run like hell as she murders Umbridge and everyone else in her path"

"I do not fancy You-Know-Who and he hasn't returned!" Umbridge shrilled.

There were mumbles of "She's an idiot", "Keep telling yourself that bitch" and Hermione's rather random comment about "It's bigger on the inside".

"Five: Transfigure her into a Dart board and play darts" "That's still an option people" Hermione said as Harry gave her a 'What has gotten into you look'. "I'm just saying".

Umbridge ignored Hermione's interruption and continued to read, "Six: Kidnap Fudge and say you'll feed him to dragons unless Umbridge leaves Hogwarts. "Seven:Let loose dragons at Hogwarts and once again run like hell"

"Now we have Miss Granger's first suggestion, lets see what the Gryffindor Princess suggested; Eight: Kill Umbridge, get the House Elves to cook her up and feed her to the Slytherins. G

rame Professor Snape for her murder, give evidence at Snape's trial saying he confessed to killing Umbridge and laugh when get sent to Azkaban. Feel guilty and break Snape out of Azkaban, kill Snape because he upset about the whole framing him thing. Betray Harry to Voldemort because he about to confess about the whole helping to kill Umbridge, go to a tropical island and hum the Scooby Doo theme tune to forget that all my friends were killed by You-Know-Who after my betrayal" When she finished reading it out Umbridge looked red in the face and angry.

"Seriously that's disturbing Granger! " Draco Malfoy said, with others nodding in agreement.

"Well after such an imaginative suggestion from Miss Granger I can't wait to see what some of you would like to happen to me in suggestion number nine" Umbridge said, glaring mainly at the Gryffindor table. "Nine: Lock Umbridge in a room with Hermione. "Ten:Lure Umbridge down to the Chamber of Secrets and leave her there, note to whoever does take a broom with you because Dumbledore can't send Fawkes because that evil old cow has chased him out Hogwarts"

"Eleven: Drop a house on her and number the last one the list is number twelve and surely to be the most imaginative as it from Miss Granger, " Umbridge giggled, but not her usual girly giggle. It was 'You're going to pay for this giggle'.

"Twelve: Buy a Giraffe, this nothing to do with Umbridge I just want one. After getting Giraffe, break into Umbridge's quarters and wait until she arrives then bite her, oh I forgot tell you I'm a Zombie at the point so Umbridge is also now Zombie"

Once she'd finished reading Umbridge waited and waited for others to confess to their involvement in the list, but no one did.

AN: So this is a one shot, I mean the only way this wouldn't be a one shot if got like I don't fifty reviews in two day or a hundred something like that asking for more chapters, Which will never happen, I know because I wrote and I know how crappy it is.


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